Yesterday would have been my Daddy's 73rd birthday.....a birthday that he would not get to celebrate. As I look back over the last four years since his death, I realize that I still have more questions about the events leading up to his death than I have answers. And, as difficult as it is, I know that I may never have the answers I crave so much. I miss him every day. I think it's important to note that even though he had his times when he was violent and terrifying, he also had so many amazing qualities, and when he was sober, he was incredibly fun.
After Daddy died, I knew that I had to reach out to others and I worked so hard to create this website. Yet, even though I think every day that I need to come here to share, I don't actually follow through. I have been thinking a lot lately about why I have not kept up with this website better. Part of it is just that life gets crazy and with work and family, sometimes other things get pushed to the back burner. Part of it is that it is just damned hard to relive some of the memories I have. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that part of why I wasn't writing was because something inside of me is terrified that I am going to run out of stories, whether bad or good, to tell about my Daddy. I wish I had the words to express how that feels. He is gone. I get that. But I want to continue to tell his story, even though his time on earth is over. Today I decided I am going to write the stories I remember, and any others that I can get from family members. I want his life documented, bad and good. And I pray that although he is no longer physically with us, he will continue to guide me to continue to help other families of addicts, through both mine and my sister's writings, and, most importantly, his own. I can do this....he would want me to continue. And for my Daddy, I will.
Happy birthday, Daddy. I have no doubt that birthdays in Heaven are incredible.
After Daddy died, I knew that I had to reach out to others and I worked so hard to create this website. Yet, even though I think every day that I need to come here to share, I don't actually follow through. I have been thinking a lot lately about why I have not kept up with this website better. Part of it is just that life gets crazy and with work and family, sometimes other things get pushed to the back burner. Part of it is that it is just damned hard to relive some of the memories I have. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that part of why I wasn't writing was because something inside of me is terrified that I am going to run out of stories, whether bad or good, to tell about my Daddy. I wish I had the words to express how that feels. He is gone. I get that. But I want to continue to tell his story, even though his time on earth is over. Today I decided I am going to write the stories I remember, and any others that I can get from family members. I want his life documented, bad and good. And I pray that although he is no longer physically with us, he will continue to guide me to continue to help other families of addicts, through both mine and my sister's writings, and, most importantly, his own. I can do this....he would want me to continue. And for my Daddy, I will.
Happy birthday, Daddy. I have no doubt that birthdays in Heaven are incredible.