“Thank you for always being a great dad,” “You have molded me into who I am today,” “You’ve always been there when I needed you,” “Great father,” “Amazing daddy.” These are just a few of the messages found in Father’s Day cards. Father’s Day has always been hard for me. Even during my dad’s sober stretches, I still had a hard time finding a Father’s Day card for him. The card aisle is filled with cards that talk about amazing memories and wonderful qualities of fabulous, model dads. There aren’t many cards that can capture the type of relationship my dad and I shared. There aren’t any that said, “Thanks for staying sober this year” or “You make me really angry, but I still love you anyway, here’s this card.” Most of the time I struggle to find something funny or had to buy a general card- a card for a dad, not my dad.
Even when my dad and I weren’t speaking, I bought him a Father’s Day card. I have a stack of cards that were never sent because we would go through a few years at a time not speaking with each other. Okay not entirely true, he would call and leave horrid messages and I would call him and tell him to lock it up and quit calling (generally with some colorful language thrown in). Even then though, I bought him a card. I’m not sure why. It just didn’t feel right buying cards for brother-in-laws, uncles and family friends and not my own dad. No matter how angry or sad I was, I always bought him one.
This year was the first year I didn’t buy him a card. Now, for those of you that know us, and those of you following this blog, you know that this is not the first Father’s Day since my dad has been gone. I bought one the June after he died and then last June-I had to. I can’t explain why, but I couldn’t NOT buy one. Last year, I even went back to the store the day before almost panicked because I didn’t have a card for him yet. This year was the first year I didn’t feel like I needed to. Not because I forgot him, not because the healing is done, not because I thought it was ridiculous to buy a card for someone that I can no longer give it to, but I didn’t buy one because I didn’t need to.
As many of you know my courageous sister spoke to a room full of people about our Daddy and the struggle of addiction. This is huge for us. Daddy’s life and our relationship had many purposes and his legacy continues to have purpose and it’s much more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. There were times over the years that I wondered why my daddy was even in my life. I was jealous of not just those I knew that had wonderful daddies that they could give sweet Daddy’s Day cards to, but also those that didn’t have a dad at all. I thought not even having a dad would be better than being hurt over and over. So many times, when things were bad, I didn’t understand why things happened the way they did. Even before my dad passed away though, the day my son was born, I came to a realization. I knew there was a reason for him being in my life. I started to understand that he really did love me and he really did fight a battle everyday with his addiction. Is that understanding an excuse for his actions? No, but the realization changed my attitude and heart. This website and my sister being given the wonderful opportunity to speak others struggling with the same emotions is the best Father’s Day blessing I have ever known. My Daddy’s legacy is much different than I ever thought it could be. And now I know for a fact, that there is no card that can capture how much he is missed and, although the hurt of his passing is still present everyday, how he is still touching ours and others lives.
Although this brought some peace to my heart, I was still having a hard time on Saturday with Father’s Day approaching and was super nervous for my sister’s speech that evening and even more sad I couldn’t be there with her. To take my mind off of the sadness, my husband and I stopped at Hobby Lobby to pick up materials for a project for my daughter’s room. I cut through an aisle to get to the supplies I needed and ran right into a large canvas print of a tree with a BLUEBIRD in the branches. I stood in the aisle and cried. And, for the first time, I didn’t need to buy him a card. I feel like he got me one instead.
Even when my dad and I weren’t speaking, I bought him a Father’s Day card. I have a stack of cards that were never sent because we would go through a few years at a time not speaking with each other. Okay not entirely true, he would call and leave horrid messages and I would call him and tell him to lock it up and quit calling (generally with some colorful language thrown in). Even then though, I bought him a card. I’m not sure why. It just didn’t feel right buying cards for brother-in-laws, uncles and family friends and not my own dad. No matter how angry or sad I was, I always bought him one.
This year was the first year I didn’t buy him a card. Now, for those of you that know us, and those of you following this blog, you know that this is not the first Father’s Day since my dad has been gone. I bought one the June after he died and then last June-I had to. I can’t explain why, but I couldn’t NOT buy one. Last year, I even went back to the store the day before almost panicked because I didn’t have a card for him yet. This year was the first year I didn’t feel like I needed to. Not because I forgot him, not because the healing is done, not because I thought it was ridiculous to buy a card for someone that I can no longer give it to, but I didn’t buy one because I didn’t need to.
As many of you know my courageous sister spoke to a room full of people about our Daddy and the struggle of addiction. This is huge for us. Daddy’s life and our relationship had many purposes and his legacy continues to have purpose and it’s much more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. There were times over the years that I wondered why my daddy was even in my life. I was jealous of not just those I knew that had wonderful daddies that they could give sweet Daddy’s Day cards to, but also those that didn’t have a dad at all. I thought not even having a dad would be better than being hurt over and over. So many times, when things were bad, I didn’t understand why things happened the way they did. Even before my dad passed away though, the day my son was born, I came to a realization. I knew there was a reason for him being in my life. I started to understand that he really did love me and he really did fight a battle everyday with his addiction. Is that understanding an excuse for his actions? No, but the realization changed my attitude and heart. This website and my sister being given the wonderful opportunity to speak others struggling with the same emotions is the best Father’s Day blessing I have ever known. My Daddy’s legacy is much different than I ever thought it could be. And now I know for a fact, that there is no card that can capture how much he is missed and, although the hurt of his passing is still present everyday, how he is still touching ours and others lives.
Although this brought some peace to my heart, I was still having a hard time on Saturday with Father’s Day approaching and was super nervous for my sister’s speech that evening and even more sad I couldn’t be there with her. To take my mind off of the sadness, my husband and I stopped at Hobby Lobby to pick up materials for a project for my daughter’s room. I cut through an aisle to get to the supplies I needed and ran right into a large canvas print of a tree with a BLUEBIRD in the branches. I stood in the aisle and cried. And, for the first time, I didn’t need to buy him a card. I feel like he got me one instead.