By Whitney.......
The following year, 2010, I received yet another Valentine's Day card from Daddy. Once more, I am bringing this story over from my personal blog. I remember very clearly, how angry I was when I wrote this post three years ago. At the end of 2009, our family experienced a horrible tragedy involving the death of a young girl with whose family we are very close. That event literally rocked our world, crushed our hearts, and changed us forever. My Daddy knew the kids involved and was well aware of how badly we were hurting, yet he did not miss an opportunity, in his drunken state, to rub salt in the wounds, a fact which I am certain I have still not forgiven. I can forgive anything done to me, but when it involves my children, I have a much harder time with forgiveness.
February 2010
I got another Valentine this year, And honestly, it was not quite as "guilt trippy" as the others have been. And so, I thought maybe he was figuring things out. Maybe, just maybe, he was just going to be nice and not make things all about him. And for Valentine's day, that is how it was.
After I got the nice Valentine's Day card, I decided I would send him a birthday card. Nothing big or mushy, mind you, but still a card. You have to remember that I haven't spoken to him in a very long time. And with good reason. I miss my dad; I really do, but I can't handle the alcoholism and the cruelty. I can't handle the absolute lack of responsibility on his part for past transgressions. I certainly can't handle him blaming everyone else (including my children) for his actions. But I figured sending a card was a mature thing to do and I included some pictures of the Cowboys' playoff game at the new stadium, because he is a big Cowboys fan. Again, nothing too much, just trying to be nice. I wrote him a short letter, told him about my surgery and about how sad things have been around here since November. After all, he knew and truly liked these kids. And it has been the most horrible thing our family has ever experienced. It is, by far, the worst thing my oldest boy has ever had to go through. And we are still experiencing so much grief. Let me just say....this will never go away. We have had to continue to live, but it is so damned hard and there is not an hour that goes by that this sadness is not on my heart. So, you know, since he is my father and all, I figured he would want to know. Since he is my father, I thought maybe he would share my pain. Isn't that what daddies do? Help their children get through tough times? Maybe this time it would be different. But, once again, I was wrong.
Today I got a birthday card from him, which included a letter. I will not post what the letter said, out of respect to my son. But I will tell you that I have never been so angry, so upset, or so absolutely flabbergasted by anything in my entire life. I am floored. It is still all about him. Everything is about him. He is apparently perfect. The rest of us are not. He can do no wrong. The rest of us pretty much suck. The mind games make my head spin. And that, my friends, is my father in a nutshell.
You would think by now I would know this. You would think I would be smart enough to figure him out. I suppose that is a lesson I still haven't learned. It is never going to be a normal relationship, because I don't have a "normal" father. You have to be able to care for others and not focus only on yourself if you want to have a healthy realtionship. My father is not capable of that. He is 68 years old....and he isn't going to change. I know this without a doubt. And yet, I also know that I will probably try again someday to reach out to him. And I will, once again, get slapped across the face with just who he is. I have no doubt that the guilt trips will continue to arrive in my mailbox, disguised in pretty envelopes, especially on Valentine's Day. I can't stop them. I can't change him. All I can do is guard my heart, protect my kids and pray that someday, somehow, he will figure out how much he has lost. And that, my friends, makes me sad for him.
The following year, 2010, I received yet another Valentine's Day card from Daddy. Once more, I am bringing this story over from my personal blog. I remember very clearly, how angry I was when I wrote this post three years ago. At the end of 2009, our family experienced a horrible tragedy involving the death of a young girl with whose family we are very close. That event literally rocked our world, crushed our hearts, and changed us forever. My Daddy knew the kids involved and was well aware of how badly we were hurting, yet he did not miss an opportunity, in his drunken state, to rub salt in the wounds, a fact which I am certain I have still not forgiven. I can forgive anything done to me, but when it involves my children, I have a much harder time with forgiveness.
February 2010
I got another Valentine this year, And honestly, it was not quite as "guilt trippy" as the others have been. And so, I thought maybe he was figuring things out. Maybe, just maybe, he was just going to be nice and not make things all about him. And for Valentine's day, that is how it was.
After I got the nice Valentine's Day card, I decided I would send him a birthday card. Nothing big or mushy, mind you, but still a card. You have to remember that I haven't spoken to him in a very long time. And with good reason. I miss my dad; I really do, but I can't handle the alcoholism and the cruelty. I can't handle the absolute lack of responsibility on his part for past transgressions. I certainly can't handle him blaming everyone else (including my children) for his actions. But I figured sending a card was a mature thing to do and I included some pictures of the Cowboys' playoff game at the new stadium, because he is a big Cowboys fan. Again, nothing too much, just trying to be nice. I wrote him a short letter, told him about my surgery and about how sad things have been around here since November. After all, he knew and truly liked these kids. And it has been the most horrible thing our family has ever experienced. It is, by far, the worst thing my oldest boy has ever had to go through. And we are still experiencing so much grief. Let me just say....this will never go away. We have had to continue to live, but it is so damned hard and there is not an hour that goes by that this sadness is not on my heart. So, you know, since he is my father and all, I figured he would want to know. Since he is my father, I thought maybe he would share my pain. Isn't that what daddies do? Help their children get through tough times? Maybe this time it would be different. But, once again, I was wrong.
Today I got a birthday card from him, which included a letter. I will not post what the letter said, out of respect to my son. But I will tell you that I have never been so angry, so upset, or so absolutely flabbergasted by anything in my entire life. I am floored. It is still all about him. Everything is about him. He is apparently perfect. The rest of us are not. He can do no wrong. The rest of us pretty much suck. The mind games make my head spin. And that, my friends, is my father in a nutshell.
You would think by now I would know this. You would think I would be smart enough to figure him out. I suppose that is a lesson I still haven't learned. It is never going to be a normal relationship, because I don't have a "normal" father. You have to be able to care for others and not focus only on yourself if you want to have a healthy realtionship. My father is not capable of that. He is 68 years old....and he isn't going to change. I know this without a doubt. And yet, I also know that I will probably try again someday to reach out to him. And I will, once again, get slapped across the face with just who he is. I have no doubt that the guilt trips will continue to arrive in my mailbox, disguised in pretty envelopes, especially on Valentine's Day. I can't stop them. I can't change him. All I can do is guard my heart, protect my kids and pray that someday, somehow, he will figure out how much he has lost. And that, my friends, makes me sad for him.