I am not sure when Daddy wrote the following, but I do know that it made a lasting impression on both me and my sister. We hope that it gives you some insight into the mind of an addict.
Questions, Answers and Emptiness
As the days and hours go slowly by,
I have a complete feeling of restriction,
of being trapped and of feeling so helpless,
and I wonder will it ever end?
Sometimes I wake up and wonder if it's
all over yet, but everything is still the
same and the drudgery goes on and on.
Then I think of my children, my family and
my friends and a feeling of softness comes
to my mind and it tells me that
they're still there and so is my God.
Then I wonder if I can do this thing,
Am I strong enough for this?
Can I be the man I need to be?
Sometimes for a while, I begin to doubt
my strength but soon it passes and
my determination takes control and for
awhile I have a feeling of total paranoia
and it's terrifying.
To muster this much strength seems
almost inhuman. I must use I/E, intelligence
over emotion.
This is the answer to it all if I use it properly.
I pray that I can and I will.
Sometimes when I drift into the cloudy
reality of what is and what isn't
something seems to happen that makes
everything tolerable and bearable and I'm
able to make it through another day.
Guilt becomes an overpowering
giant that is so hard to deal with
and defend against.
Shadows of the Past
Hanging over the Present.
My days go up and down and my
inner thoughts are scary and almost
bizarre at times and I can feel the
disease running the rapids and then
slowing down in the still waters.
How much longer will it take?
How much endurance do I have?
Can I ever claim defeat? I must!
But that sounds so final.
I am intelligent, my wisdom and knowledge
is almost unbelievable, then why am I
in this position?
I must find out for the sake of others.
I must search, there has to be an answer.
Sometimes I'm haunted by the past and what
I've done or haven't done.
Then I'm haunted by the future. What will I do?
Where will I go? What are my chances of
survival? My decisions must be my own
and no one else's and I know I must
have help but my pride says no and
my heart says yes.
copyright MyDaddy'sDaughter 2013
Do not reprint without permission
Questions, Answers and Emptiness
As the days and hours go slowly by,
I have a complete feeling of restriction,
of being trapped and of feeling so helpless,
and I wonder will it ever end?
Sometimes I wake up and wonder if it's
all over yet, but everything is still the
same and the drudgery goes on and on.
Then I think of my children, my family and
my friends and a feeling of softness comes
to my mind and it tells me that
they're still there and so is my God.
Then I wonder if I can do this thing,
Am I strong enough for this?
Can I be the man I need to be?
Sometimes for a while, I begin to doubt
my strength but soon it passes and
my determination takes control and for
awhile I have a feeling of total paranoia
and it's terrifying.
To muster this much strength seems
almost inhuman. I must use I/E, intelligence
over emotion.
This is the answer to it all if I use it properly.
I pray that I can and I will.
Sometimes when I drift into the cloudy
reality of what is and what isn't
something seems to happen that makes
everything tolerable and bearable and I'm
able to make it through another day.
Guilt becomes an overpowering
giant that is so hard to deal with
and defend against.
Shadows of the Past
Hanging over the Present.
My days go up and down and my
inner thoughts are scary and almost
bizarre at times and I can feel the
disease running the rapids and then
slowing down in the still waters.
How much longer will it take?
How much endurance do I have?
Can I ever claim defeat? I must!
But that sounds so final.
I am intelligent, my wisdom and knowledge
is almost unbelievable, then why am I
in this position?
I must find out for the sake of others.
I must search, there has to be an answer.
Sometimes I'm haunted by the past and what
I've done or haven't done.
Then I'm haunted by the future. What will I do?
Where will I go? What are my chances of
survival? My decisions must be my own
and no one else's and I know I must
have help but my pride says no and
my heart says yes.
copyright MyDaddy'sDaughter 2013
Do not reprint without permission