This morning I was thinking about yesterday's post and I realized that I understood a bit more of why my feelings were hurt over the lack of sympathy regarding Daddy's death from many friends and even relatives. Sometimes things take awhile to actually make sense, especially when dealing with such an array of emotions. Writing this blog is forcing me to confront so many different thoughts that have long been buried. Fathers have such an enormous impact on how thier daughters view the world and my experiences with Daddy and his alcoholism often left me feeling like I was not quite as good as other people. Unfortunately, I also had relatives who hated my Daddy and reinforced the idea that becuase I was his and he was a drunk, I had no worth. I suppose it is easy to get caught up in the craziness and dysfunction, but adults truly need to act like adults and realize that their words can forever harm a child. It took me a long time to realize that Daddy's drinking was not my fault, nor did it "taint" me as a person. I believe that is why I was so saddened by the lack of sympathy after his death, because once more, I felt like I didn't matter enough for anyone to care. And I, of course, know that is wrong, but that scarred little girl is still inside of me and sometimes she still hurts. Sadly, my daddy also knew how his alcoholism affected other people's perceptions of him and his girls. And in 1993, he wrote the following:
You must first believe truly in yourself.
You must never believe that you are better than anyone.
But you must always remember that you are equal to everyone.
We are all God's children.
You must use your kindness and consideration in life because
that is a natural part of you.
You must also use and practice your own spirituality,
for that is not an inheritance, but an ongoing development.
You must give your love and compassion and
you must learn to seperate the givers from the takers.
You must always love yourself and honor your
body and your mind as a temple.
And you must dream positively and expect those
dreams to come true.
Negatives are your enemy!
You must never forget the pain you've endured, but you
must forget the past, and only keep the parts you need for the future.
You must believe completely in yourself at all times,
And you must know your capabilities.
You must never lose your values and dignity,
for they too, shall grow.
Finally, you must know how much someone loves you.
That someone is standing in front of you now
and will always be there for you.
May pain always escape you
and may there be no wrinkles on your face
except those of laughter.
copyright (2013) My Daddy's Daughter