By Whitney...
Alcoholism and addiction are timeless. They have no boundaries. They do not care whom they destroy; they are not selective. Sadly, the ramifications of growing up in an environment full of uncertainty, fear, and chaos remain with the children of alcoholics and addicts forever. While we can and do grow up, finish college, maintain good jobs, marry and even raise our own successful children, there is always a part of us that remembers. We know. And that part often rears its ugly head in ways we do not even understand, because it is a piece of who we really are. We have to work harder on relationships, because we have not been given the proper template of what healthy relationships look like. We question ourselves often. We lack confidence, even though those around us would likely never know. We desire to be just like everyone else, yet we know that we really are not. Growing up in an environment with an alcoholic or addict, influences every decision we make.
A few months ago,, I was told of a family in crisis, and while their story is happening now, years after my own childhood ended, the similarities to my younger life are uncanny. I have been praying for this family to find peace. Unfortunately, it seems that their situation is only getting worse. The family consists of an alcoholic father, two daughters, and a momma who is working hard, trying to keep her head above water, while dealing with a husband who is wrecking cars and checking himself out of rehab, all while continuing to drink. Everyone close to the family is extremely worried. I am especially worried about the oldest daughter, who is a pre-teen. While I have met this little girl a few times, I do not know her well. And yet, I feel like I know her as well as I know myself. She is seeing her parent's marriage and her family in a way that nobody else can and it is molding her future relationships.
The other day, my friend, who knows and cares for this family, told me that she offered to pick up the little girl and take her somewhere with her own family. She asked the little girl several times to come with her, as she was concerned about the child being home alone with the father. The little girl refused multiple times, saying she had homework and other things to do. When I was told this story, I knew immediately that it wasn't that she did not want to go with my friend. She did. She simply could not allow herself to leave. In her mind, if she was home, then nothing bad could happen to her daddy. She could protect him, even from himself. If she were to leave, and something happened to him, it would be her fault. It seems crazy, but it is true. I was exactly the same way. Daddy was often violent when he was drinking, and while I desperately wanted to be away from him, I could not always allow myself to leave. What if something happened? What if he passed out with a cigarette burning? What if he fell? I was a child, but I thought I could take care of him. And, of course, I was wrong. Even as an adult, I could not protect him, and he died, drunk and alone, a fact that haunts me to this day.
The truth is, nobody can "take care of" or "protect" someone with an addiction. Addicts cannot be "fixed" by another person; they have to do it themselves. This takes months or years, and, as with my Daddy, often it never happens. What an addict does do, is ruin his children's views of what is normal and what is not. The mental manipulation that takes place is absolutely real. This terrifies me.
While I am not a proponent of divorce, sometimes there is no other way to protect your children. My mother divorced my dad when I was twelve years old. As I grew into an adult and became a mother myself, I understood that she divorced him for me. She removed us from a violent and destructive situation, and while we didn't have much money, we were safe and that made a huge difference in the way we lived. She allowed me to finish my childhood years in a home that was not chaotic. While filing for divorce was not a decision she made lightly, she was brave enough to follow through and protect me. My prayer is that all mothers, especially the mother of this little girl, will find the bravery within themselves that my mom did, and will get their children away from the parent who has the potential to destroy their future.
Alcoholism and addiction are timeless. They have no boundaries. They do not care whom they destroy; they are not selective. Sadly, the ramifications of growing up in an environment full of uncertainty, fear, and chaos remain with the children of alcoholics and addicts forever. While we can and do grow up, finish college, maintain good jobs, marry and even raise our own successful children, there is always a part of us that remembers. We know. And that part often rears its ugly head in ways we do not even understand, because it is a piece of who we really are. We have to work harder on relationships, because we have not been given the proper template of what healthy relationships look like. We question ourselves often. We lack confidence, even though those around us would likely never know. We desire to be just like everyone else, yet we know that we really are not. Growing up in an environment with an alcoholic or addict, influences every decision we make.
A few months ago,, I was told of a family in crisis, and while their story is happening now, years after my own childhood ended, the similarities to my younger life are uncanny. I have been praying for this family to find peace. Unfortunately, it seems that their situation is only getting worse. The family consists of an alcoholic father, two daughters, and a momma who is working hard, trying to keep her head above water, while dealing with a husband who is wrecking cars and checking himself out of rehab, all while continuing to drink. Everyone close to the family is extremely worried. I am especially worried about the oldest daughter, who is a pre-teen. While I have met this little girl a few times, I do not know her well. And yet, I feel like I know her as well as I know myself. She is seeing her parent's marriage and her family in a way that nobody else can and it is molding her future relationships.
The other day, my friend, who knows and cares for this family, told me that she offered to pick up the little girl and take her somewhere with her own family. She asked the little girl several times to come with her, as she was concerned about the child being home alone with the father. The little girl refused multiple times, saying she had homework and other things to do. When I was told this story, I knew immediately that it wasn't that she did not want to go with my friend. She did. She simply could not allow herself to leave. In her mind, if she was home, then nothing bad could happen to her daddy. She could protect him, even from himself. If she were to leave, and something happened to him, it would be her fault. It seems crazy, but it is true. I was exactly the same way. Daddy was often violent when he was drinking, and while I desperately wanted to be away from him, I could not always allow myself to leave. What if something happened? What if he passed out with a cigarette burning? What if he fell? I was a child, but I thought I could take care of him. And, of course, I was wrong. Even as an adult, I could not protect him, and he died, drunk and alone, a fact that haunts me to this day.
The truth is, nobody can "take care of" or "protect" someone with an addiction. Addicts cannot be "fixed" by another person; they have to do it themselves. This takes months or years, and, as with my Daddy, often it never happens. What an addict does do, is ruin his children's views of what is normal and what is not. The mental manipulation that takes place is absolutely real. This terrifies me.
While I am not a proponent of divorce, sometimes there is no other way to protect your children. My mother divorced my dad when I was twelve years old. As I grew into an adult and became a mother myself, I understood that she divorced him for me. She removed us from a violent and destructive situation, and while we didn't have much money, we were safe and that made a huge difference in the way we lived. She allowed me to finish my childhood years in a home that was not chaotic. While filing for divorce was not a decision she made lightly, she was brave enough to follow through and protect me. My prayer is that all mothers, especially the mother of this little girl, will find the bravery within themselves that my mom did, and will get their children away from the parent who has the potential to destroy their future.