By: Stormi
Since moving to Texas this past December I have been through so many emotions. I’ve felt angry about leaving a place that I love more than any other place in the entire world, resentful, then forgiving to my sweet husband for making us come here, utter grieving and sadness for those who I no longer am able to see on a regular basis. The depression and resulting attitude that I have experienced has truly made me take a good long look at my life- and in that glimpse into how I am living, there’s one thing that stands out- I miss my Daddy. He truly is the only one who knows what it like to love New Mexico the way that I do and to leave it for Dallas. Not a bad place, but not home. What I wouldn’t give to get his advice on how to cope with going through this.
When I was young we used to take weekend trips to places all over New Mexico. I don’t have many good memories of my dad when I was younger, and some of these trips were rough because of his drinking, but there are many that have happy times associated with them. I loathed these trips as a child and would beg to spend the weekend with a friend because I hated car trips (in my defense I used to get sick every time). But no matter how much I protested, I always went anyway and most of the time enjoyed myself. I can’t say that my dad never drank on any of these trips, but for the most part, being away from home made it possible for my mom to keep him away from his hidden stashes of booze and therefore pretty sober. We truly enjoyed ourselves and I was able to forget things that were happening a home. My Dad loved being up in the mountains, history and fishing and he LOVED New Mexico sunsets. I have, since his death, appreciated these things about him, but never have I understood them like I do since leaving The Land of Enchantment.
Recently on a trip back to New Mexico, I really took the time to watch the sunset, to take in the beautiful mountains and breathtaking skies. AND the entire time I felt the thoughts that were going through my mind and feelings that were being felt were given to me in some way by my dad. I felt reassured that he knew my heartache and I felt closer to him in those moments than I ever felt when he was alive. Although I cried almost the entire way back to Texas and have cried almost daily since, I know in my heart of hearts that one day I will go back. I will go back for myself and for him- he always wanted to get back to New Mexico and was never able to. I never understood that- until now. I have a renewed sense of hope and knowledge that it’s going to be okay somehow. Am I still missing my mountains and wonderful people? Yes, more and more everyday- but I feel somewhat renewed and know that is will all work out the way it should. Many people believe that once you’re gone from this world that you no longer influence those you have left behind, or that merely just the memories are influential. I don’t believe that- I believe that my Daddy and I have “communicated” more since he’s been gone than we ever did before. No feeling is guarded, it’s all in the open and I just am forced to have to “listen” much harder. He may not be able to give me the advice that I long for, but he is finding ways to reassure me.